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Monthly Archives: October 2008

is going to be a good month.

will update soon. things are crazy.

Back in Peterborough, and re-did my dorm!

I cant believe 2 days ago i hated the internet so strongly, and since saying i dont want to blog, ive been itching to do it. in the past 2 days, just spending time with God it feels like even when i protest and tell him that after ive done so many wrongs and that i feel like i dont deserve his love and happiness, he just is screaming i love you! lean on me! its like a massive spritual slap in the face.
I went to see Cindy Morris today. She has been my mom’s best friend since my mother became a christian and like a second mother to me. I call her mom and I even consider Kayla, Alyssa and Kyle close family. After all shes been through, five surgeries in the past like, couple months, hours and hours of rehabilitation, and almost dying in itself, shes happy. She finds the energy to already do her christmas shopping (and wrap it, i may add!) cook dinner, and go to her kids schools for open houses and meetings. She is so brave and strong and seeing Cindys miracle right before my eyes is THE reason I believe today in Christ. I asked 3 people for prayer this week. 3 people. and i feel like the world has.
If your some random (because i learnt how to check who reads my blog..alot of people do!) or even if your justin (because he reads my blog rougly 10 times a day..hahaha) tracey or pat or any of my other friends.. THANK YOOU! i love you guys.
I even have begun to miss peterborough a little bit this week. I miss my roomates for sure, and im hoping to clear up the boy mess. I had a coffee with Jeff (the ex factor) and you know, i think its what was bugging me..not knowing where i stood in jeffs life… friend, enemy, evil ex girlfriend. Im happy to say, although awkward at first, i know our friendship is going to work out. hopefully life is going to stay this great, i appreciate my friends in ridiculous amounts. much love! 🙂

I don’t know why we all hang onto something we know we’re better off letting
go. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have. Some of us
say we’d rather have that something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is,
to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.

Last night, i sobbed and sobbed..  i had no idea what it was like to be happy. im not even kidding. i couldnt force myself to smile, nor did i even want to smile.  i didnt answer texts, and i didnt want to be around anyone
thats not me
but thats what ive been feeling the past few weeks. just rock bottom sort of feelings. I thought of stopping twittering, i wrote that post about no blogging, and i closed my facebook down for 3 days

I must admit.. i havent exactly been “Sarah” since moving to Peterborough.  Ive drank more than I normally would ( like.. half a sip is my usual..which is enough to make me feel it) I swear like an angry truck driver in a traffic jam, and i get roughly 3 hours of sleep a week. that i dont even exagerate.
and thats the thing
that isnt me.

so this is why i dont want to blog, or tweet, or facebook. im not me. and the updates youll see, wont be from me.  They will be from some girl, who has been taken over and captured, and wants to break free so bad. Today at church, i smiled and hysterically laughed for like an hour for the first time in soo long.  I remembered what it was like to feel loved again, by Carey, by all my friends, by my co-volunteers, by all the kids in upstreet who all had insane stories to tell me about whats going on in their lives since superhero summer and what they bought with their pitstop points. so touching to look back and remember that during the summer, i was the person they wanted to see every sunday so they could know what was going to happen to Billy as he learnt all about how Jesus loved him and would keep him out of trouble.
So, im taking last nights post and putting it into better words. I dont want to update until Im .. me. the person you know, and the person i know. It could take years, days, minutes..whatever. all i ask is that you help me, pray for me, mail me a letter, come for a visit, call me… im ok with giving you my address at school and my number. i know i have incredble friends and i know i can get through this. thanks guys.

im going to stop blogging. just for a while. ive decided that i dont want to publish my current emotions cause i need to take some time and figure out who i am.  check back once in a while. sooner or later, ill regain confidence and be the same sare i was before. i just need time.

lots of love,

sare.

So.. i cant help those silly sad msn, facebook and twitter updates. I met a guy here, thought he was great, we really clicked.. but he seems to think its ok to make 2 girls feel special. its wrecking me. totally and completely. If you dont know me well, im the type of person who loves, love. I love hugs, i love relationships, i love drawing hearts on everything. After Jeff, I didnt think i would ever find love. I thought with “boy” that if i waited around a bit longer, he would give me an answer…  it was the very first time i experienced being led on.
this post no longer is making sense

bottom line? im so sorry about all the depressing posts and all. im in a funk and i cant get out of it. before tonight ive never been curled in a ball crying for 10 hours straight. im sooo hurt. please..call me, pray for me..  anything. i need my friends.

got so much on my plate, i forgot completely about my blog

i have reading week starting friday. a good lengthy update is coming.

Ok! so, i have so much work to get started on. i have essays and midterms coming out of places i didnt know things could come out of
(that was weeeird)

But im going to try and get back into the swing of things. Reading my bible, back into my deev’s, try to establish a proper sleeping&eating pattern (as much as i love 1am dinners consiting of soup, and going to bed at 4am) and blogging about life, not stupid things.

love you all.

ok. ive just chugged back a venti nonfat extra hot carmel macciato and full of caffine and ready to tell you all about why my life has been so crappy, then changed right around. Most of the people who read my blog knew about the person I had liked, who i thought had liked me back, didnt work out the way i expected it too. Im hurt and not sure I want to talk to this person, for fear of falling again. So, i know you know who you are, even though you like to pretend like you dont, but i wish we couldve talked a bit, and im not sure how i feel about being mature and friendly, even though i promised we would be. luckily, im pretty sure you are completely unaware of my blog. and even if you are, its how i feel.
moving on.
Things up here in the peteypatch are bumpy, but ok. Ive made good friends with one of the guys next door and really good friends with 3 of my roomates. were having a lot of drama with theft and food stealing, and cleanliness. hoping things there can be sorted out.  This is one of the busiest weeks in the semester, mid-term time. Many assignments due and many tests, causing many..stress. lol. praying i make it!
Really fidning out who my friends are, justin and tracey just spurr of the moment came flying up here to visit a couple weekends ago, gillian can make it down the street in record time whenever i need a hug and sarah sneaks behind her moms back to call me long distance whenever she can. Aside from that i get many facebook msgs and emails from my good friends. Most just saying “love you, or praying for you or miss you!” love those!! thank you all so much for being so terrific. I know with my life being so ridiculous and me of all people do not handle change and emotions well, so you guys are troopers. so awesome!
God is really showing me how much he loves me, misses me and wants me as his daughter. He is showing exceptional grace and patience. So admirable and loving, im trying really hard to find my way back.

love you all!

sare